Hooking me up with the Internet

Plugging an ethernet cord into my ear (surprisingly) does not endow me with special Internet powers.

How, then, am I to enjoy popular Web content with privacy, and without ergonomic limitations (which may impede the functions that are used frequently during times requiring privacy).

A rival, Chris, devised a hypothesis, “You probably just need to flash your BIOS. What Linux kernel version is your cerebral cortex running?”

But really, Chris, your sarcasm is not needed in this time of dire need!

Ignoring my rival’s comment, I think I’ve nailed the problem down to my body’s hardware abstraction layer. I’m blaming companies' (ahem, parents) inabilities to agree on communication standards. A different method of input could yield more-desirable results. For comparison, let’s take a look at different methods of interfacing the Internet with my brain.

Our bodies have many types of sensory inputs. Most of the population can recite five common-sense senses without hesitation: touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing. More exist, though, which include: sensitivity to heat, cold, pain, itch, pressure, and direction. Although, not all of these are not relevant when attempting to access Internet resources through foxhole bio-electrical interfaces.

In retrospect, my connection’s error was obvious. I was attempting to interface an electrical signal (from the ethernet cable) through an organ sensitive only to air pressure variability. For this challenge, an organic electrical interface is required. By cross referencing this requirement with the previous list of senses, “direction” is the closest-relatable sense through magnetics.

Electricity and magnetism go hand-in-hand. Both forces can be converted between another, deeming the term electromagnetism. In theory, electromagnets could be used to present the Internet upon an individual by fluctuating flux. Although, that individual could only perceive the shifting electromagnetic flux (created as the result of a hypothetical apparatus) as a shift in directional heading. My contention is that with enough training from birth, an Internet-enabled electro-org-netical connection is possible, yet unsatisfactory. It doesn’t have the quality of ‘sensing’ the Internet. In my eyes, it’s still direction.

If humans progress as they have been for the past 200 years, Darwin’s theory suggests we will most likely have this interface at birth in the upcoming years.

For now, though, we all have to rely on barbaric interfaces to such an extraordinary tool.